Fullmetal Oneshots
by Hawkpath13
Summary: Team Mustang. You know them. You love them. But do you know what they do off set? Well wonder no longer! I've now opened the door to Team Mustang's daily life! Off set, off censors, and off cellphones. Please enjoy!
1. Smoking

**Im...Im sorry...I-I...Im just sorry... **

* * *

Edward peered around the room. No one was here. No on could watch. _Good..._

Ed walked to the window of the room and sat down next to it. He dug into his pocket and pulled out a small box of...

Cigarettes.

He opened up the box and pulled one out. Pulling a lighter out of his pocket, he stuck the end of the ciggerete in his mouth, and lit the other end.

He pulled a long breath before breathing out a puff of thick gray smoke. It was a bad habit, he had to admit. But he didn't do it constantly. Just one everytime he was stressed.

Lately,

He was stressed a lot.

Three a day. He had cut himself to that much. He had tried to break the habit, but it was hard.

So addictive...So sweet. How with every breath he seemed to inhale medicine, and then exhale his troubles in a ugly gray smoke.

No one knew. Ed thought this was a good thing. All they would do his hassle him to stop. No one bothers with Havoc anymore, but a 15 year old? They would be on his ass before you could say 'go'.

The cigarettes did have a strong smell. So he hid the smell with a body splash. Sure, he would smell like Sweet Pea or Cucumber Melon or whatever, but at least he wouldn't smell like smoke. He only hid the scent from others anyway...

Ed was thinking about this when he heard a click at the door. He quickly pulled the cigg out of his mouth and threw it out the window. The door opened and revealed Havoc.

Havoc smiled and walked into the room. He walked across to Edward, with his mouth open to speak, before he pulled a face. He looked like he was confused. He suddenly smelled the air.

_Shit..._

He turned his head towards Ed after swiveling it around the room, smelling the air. He gave him a hard look. Ed suddenly felt like shrinking...he dismissed that thought. It would make it him short**...er...!**

"Why do I smell smoke, Edward?" Havoc seemed to sing this in a soft voice. God, how Ed hated that voice. It sounded like someone scolding a child.

Which...

He was.

"I dunno.." Edward turned his head away from Havoc, avoiding accusing eyes.

Havoc stared at Ed.

Ed pretended not to notice.

Then he jumped at him.

Havoc pinned Ed to the ground. His body weight alone kept him down. " H-hey!" He managed to choke out. He felt Havoc digging in his pockets.

_'Wrong one'_Ed thought for a second before Havoc growled and pulled his hand out his pocket. To his dismay, he checked the other, instantly finding a ciggerete box and a lighter.

"What the hell, Edward!" Ed didn't know why he of all people sounded mad. He did it too..

"What do you mean 'what the hell?"

"Why do you have ciggs in your pocket?" Havoc lowered his voice.

"I'm...holding them...for a friend..."

Damn, that sounded cheap ass...

"Yeah, and I'm Hitler!" Havoc growled at Ed. " I know the smell of smoke, Ed. Why?"

What kind of question is that! "Why? Why!" Edward was furious. Then a thought popped into his head.

**Why?**

Why had he done it? It wasn't really for stress, no. It actually added on to the stress. Every hour of the day, he wanted nothing more but to sit down and smoke a couple...Was this true addiction?

Edward was suddenly very scared. He hadn't know why he was doing it, but now he did.

There was no reason.

Which means, unlike his plans to stop when he felt the stress lift, he wouldn't stop until he was damn well ready.

Which would be never.

Havoc was staring at Ed the entire time. When Ed looked into his eyes, he seemed to already know why. He slid over to Ed and sat next to him, still holding the ciggerte and lighter. " Edward" He sighed " I know you don't really want to smoke all your life." He looked at him with soft eyes. " So why did you start in the first place. If you want to stop, that's where we'll begin."

Ed stared back at Havoc. So, he wanted to help? Not scold him like a child. Just...help? Ed thought this very starnge and comforting.

" Why did I start?" Edward thought for a second. " In the beginning... I thought it was for stress...now I'm not sure..." He let his chin drop to his chest, is bangs folding over his face.

"Well, that's not a reason. Is there anything else?" Havoc questioned. He seemed to be getting somewhere, so Edward just shook his head. "

"Well then this is simple. I'll just take this pack, and you don't buy anymore." He said it like it was so simple!

"Is it that easy?" Edward thought there might be more to his solution.

"Well..." Havoc sighed. " It will be harder than it seems. The more you don't smoke, the more irritable you might get. Just keep in mind to keep your temper in check. Within 16 days, you'll be fine."

"16 days? That's it?" Ed had thought it would be longer than that. Just 16 days?

"It takes at least 16 days to break any habit. Weather it be smoking or drawing."

Ed was confused. " What does drawing have to do with anything?"

"Drawing can be addictive. It can sometimes get you in trouble. Say, without knowing it, you start drawing you thoughts. Or you draw in a class. It may be a good habit, if your good at it, but it's bad if you forget the correct place to do it." Havoc smiled, clearly remembering something. " I remember when a girl in my class constantly drew cats."

"Cats?" Ed looked at Havoc like he was nuts.

"Yes, cats. Now mind you, she was good at it. They looked real. But she did it all the time. It got her trouble. Her teacher had just told her off for drawing. She started drawing her thoughts. Apparently, she had thoughts about little stick figures stabbing her teacher with arrows and throwing paper cups at her."

"... Paper...cups?"

"She had a wild imagination." Havoc said with a chuckle. "Point is, we have a agreement, right?"

"Yes...sir..." Edward agreed. " But...Havoc?"

"What?"

"I never expected you to be the one to catch me. Lead alone, convince me to try to stop." Edward was interested in just how he had caught him and why he had stopped him.

"First of all, I started smoking at your age. I got into it much to fast and I never stopped."

"And second?"

"..."

" Sir?"

"I caught you because this is where I come to smoke..."

* * *

**Hawkpath: WELL THEN...This just came to my head...Hehe...**

**Ed: This really isn't funny...**

**Hawkpath: It's not supose to be, shorty.**

**Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTY, SHORTY?**

**Hawkpath: At least I'm taller than you. And I'm younger than you too...**

**Ed: Prove it!**

**Hawkpath: Im 13. Your like...what? 15? 16?**

**Ed: e.o**

**Hawkpath: Thats what I thought...**

**Rex: Hi Hawky!**

**Hawkpath: REX! WRONG FIC! WRONG FIC! GO BACK GR WILL YA?**

**Rex: What? Im not allowed to show up here?**

**Hawkpath: NO. Its a FMA fic. Not a GR fic!**

**Rex: No one gives a crap!**

**Ed: Ummm...**

**Hawkpath: JUST GET THE HELL OUT!**

**Rex: Make me...**

**Hawkpath: I WILL! * Magicaly teleports Rex to the other side of the room***

**Rex: Im still here!**

**Hawkpath: SHUT UP! JUST...Just SHUT UP!**

**Ed: Can I say something?**

**Hawkpath: Yeah, sure, Ed.**

**Rex; YOU LIKE HIM MORE THAN ME!**

**Hawkpath: I wont deny it... FMA is more of my interest now...you should have had new episdoes sooner...**

**Rex: BUT FMA HAS BEEN OVER AND DONE WITH FOR YEARS!**

**Ed: So?**

**Rex: SHUT IT, YOU MIDGET!**

**Ed: AND HOW OLD ARE YOU SIR?**

**Rex: 15!**

**Ed: FUCK YOU!**


	2. The Greatest Show Unearthed

**WARNING!**

**THE AUTHOR DOES NOT OWN GREATEST SHOW UNEARTHED OR FMA.**

**BUT I DO OWN THESE COOKIES THAT I WILL GIVE TO MY READERS IF THEY REVIEW...**

**ENJOY...Or, ya know...TRY...**

* * *

Al, Mustang, and Hawkeye had gotten a report of a mysterious _'circus'_ across town. They went down to investigate.

They would have brought Ed.

If he hadn't had disappeared a month ago...

No one had seen or heard from him. Alphonse seemed torn in two...

When they reached the tent of this circus, a eerie red light shone from inside. The clouds around it were dark and seemed to slowly spiral around.

The group jumped when a small young man peeked out from inside the tent. As soon as he spotted them, he started.

"Ladies and gentalmen! Boys and ghouls! Step right up!" He had been walking towards the group but now spun around and motioned with his hands. "Behind this curtain lies a ghastly concoction of delight! Horror! Fantasy and terror!"

The group looked at this short young man. His voice sounded all too familiar. And even though is cloths were ripped and coated with blood, they looked familiar too. The boy was now waving a black stick back and forth as he talked in a taunting way.

"Your every wish is our command! Your every whimsical desire brought to life!" He stopped and put his black cain to the ground. " But I'm warning you, " he turned his head back to the group. Under his black ripped top hat lied golden eyes. " There's always a price..."

He stood back and threw his hands into the air. His hair covered his left eye, the right one golden and wild. Smiling like a mad man, he shouted in a murderous glee, " Welcome to the Greatest Show Unearthed!"

He somehow got behind them and shoved Roy, Riza, and Al in the tent. The sight that greeted them was horrifying.

All around them, there was a eerie black smoke. But popping in and out of the smoke was people...

Bloody, cut up, and all too raw.

Screams came from every side. And soon, the small young boy came back, and started yapping away again. It seemed in practice. " The dark carnival is in town! You better be ready! Just follow the parade of dancing skeletons!" As he spoke, various figures stalked the smoke, all bloody, all looking under a trance. "Full of ghoulish delight! Around every corner. Don't tell your parents you're here. They will soon be mourners!"

Soon, he was seeming to be everywhere at once, hopping around the group and appearing from every side! " Welcome to the lower birth! The Greatest Show Unearthed! We appear without a sound, the darkest show around! We will leave you in a daze!" He hopped over to a wall, where a knife was shoved in. He pulled it out and sliced it across his own chest. " Madness! Murder! Dismay! We are disappearing now-" He cut off as he looked the group straight in the eyes. That one golden eye still shone with a wild light. As soon as Alphonse saw it up close, he knew... " With blood on the concrete!" As he continued, he wiped blood off his own chest and flicked it at the ground at their feet. Mustang hopped back to avoid it. With that, he seemed to fade into the black.

Hawkeye's eyes were stretched wide with fear. " Colonel..." She whispered, her voice shaking. " That...that boy...it-it was-"

Roy cut her off. " I-I know..." He stared where the golden eyed boy disappeared. " Fullmetal! I'm going to kill you for this!"

"Oh! I think it will be quite the opposite, Colonel Mustang!" A voice sounded off from behind the group, causing them all to jump. They turned to see the same golden eyed boy right behind them. He threw off his hat, revealing a dead give-away. Blonde hair to match his eyes shown in the darkness off the tent. It would be stunning, if it wasn't half covered in blood. As he pushed a bang from his left eye, the entire group shuddered with horror.

Behind his hair lay his left eye. Shining a ghastly red color, and dripping with blood. The blood ran from his eye to his chin, dripping off into the dust earth. The same wild light shown within it. But it was more like the wild light of murder.

"Why don't you step into the Hall of Mirrors?" He suggested, with a small smirk. " I promise, no one can hear you scream..." His smirk turned into a sneer of pure insane.

"Brother! What are you doing here! Whats wrong with you!" Al almost spat his questions. His brother had gone through so much just to scare them?

Edward didn't reply, but simply walked over to the walk again, grabbing a lead pipe. He slid the pipe over his cut chest, still grinning. He then walked back towards the group. He stopped and let the pole hit the ground. He then started to walk around the group, the pole dragging behind him. It left a bloody trail behind.

Soon, Edward had walked full circle, and then crossed into the group several times, making lines between the circle. He stopped at the top, and drew something of a 'S'.

" A transmutation circle?" Roy snarled at Ed.

" Al stared at the circle with pure horror. " No..." He started slowly.

Ed spoke up." I don't know what it is. But this body does. He won't talk though." He put a pout on as he finished. " I wish I did know what it was.."

"This body?" Riza stared at Ed in confusion.

"Wha'?" It was Ed's turn to be confused. " Oh...oh! Have I ruined the fun? Oh drat!"

Al instantly knew it wasn't his brother speaking. He hated that word. Drat... he had always said it sounded so stupid. " You're not my brother!"

"Well, dear, I don't know." He paused. " What?" He seemed to be asking himself something. " Oh...oh! He his your brother! Oh! Then this will be more fun...!" He paused again. " What do you mean 'no'? Get used to it kid! Your body will be killing many more people! Might as well start with some people close to you!" Pause. " Hey...what are you! No! Stop that! No! Stop! Stop!"

Edward collapsed holding his head with both hands. His face flashed with pain. His hands soon hit the ground. He was sitting with his legs folded off to the side of him, trailing off. His hands supported him has he stared down. When he looked up, both eyes were golden. They flashed with importance and pain.

" Al!" Ed reached a hand out to his younger brother. " Al, you have to run! All of you!" He swept his golden gaze around the group, and jumped when another scream sounded off.

Mustang walked over to Ed, and knelt down. His onyx eyes glared at the younger boy. " How do we know this isn't a trick?"

Ed snarled at Roy. " Look, you _bastard! _I know what I said, and I'm sorry, but it wasn't me! It was-" He cut off has he gasped in pain. He shivered violently and stared in horror at the dusty red ground. When he looked back up, his eyes filled with terror and determination. "Never mind! Just get out! Run!" He stopped and choked up. " Please..."

"Not without you!" Alponse glared at his older brother.

"Al! Listen to me! I'll be fine! Just please get out of here!" Edward snarled at his younger brother, making him flinch. His tone was harsh, something he rarly used against Al. But he needed to get it through to him. "They are capturing people, enslaving them. Making them do their dirty work!" Unshead tears shown in Ed's golden eyes. " I don't want to have to watch you get-" He cut off and looked back down at the ground. Although they couldn't see his eyes, they saw tears drip into the reddening dust. When he looked back up, tears washed his eyes and face.

To Edward, tears were weakness. But this was no time to worry about his reputation! " Please just get out of here! They will make me-" He cut off again, but kept staring. He continued, his voice choking and soft. " They will make me kill you. He has it in mind! He wants your blood, and my anguish. Please, don't let him have it!" His voice had slowly risen to something of a soft shriek.

Alphonse kept staring at his older brother. He wasn't about to leave him in this mess. Not now. Not ever.

Edwards expression changed from terror to fury in a second. " Alphonse Elric! Damn it all! GET OUT OF HERE, NOW!" He now screeched at his younger brother, showing more fury towards him than he had ever. " I know exactly what your thinking! And if you even try it, Al, I swear, I'll-" He cut off and gripped his head with one hand. He shook more violently, if that was even possible. He was already shaking in a mix of fear and anger.

Hawkeye and Roy were silently watching the scene unfold. It was very shocking when Ed yelled at Al. It must have hurt him to do it. They both jumped at another blood curdling shriek from the black smoke. They needed to move, and move now.

Roy tried his luck. " Alphonse, you have to listen to Fullmetal. We have to-"

Al cut Roy off. It was his turn to be furious. " What are you even thinking!" It was directed at Edward. "I thought you knew me better than that!"

Edward looked confused and then his faced faded into submission as Al continued.

"I will _not_. Nor will I _EVER_. Leave you here. In anything like this. _EVER_." Alphonse wad speaking in a calm, determined tone.

Ed stared at his younger brother. Compassion and understanding shone in those blinding gold eyes. "You're right Al..." His voice was soft and submissioned. He was tired of shouting. Tired of trying. No matter how hard he fought with his little brother, nothing would change his mind. " But if you hadn't noticed, I'm not going anywhere..."

Roy looked thoughtful for a second. Then he snapped his fingers in a ' I have an idea' way. Thank god he wasn't wearing his ignition gloves _again_... " Do you ever leave this tent, Ed, when that other person is controlling you?"

Ed shuddered at the thought of being controlled again, but answered, " Only about 10 feet to greet...Well...not greet, but push to their deaths..." He shuddered again. " I'm going to need **serious **therapy after this...and even that won't help much!" Ed joked around, but his voice shook. " You don't know, nor do you want to know what I've seen here. What I've done, but have no control what-so-ever..."

"Brother...ha-have you...killed?" Alphonse asked shakily.

Edward looked up at his brother, that warm compassion still shining bright, but it was mixed with sympathy and sadness. Al clearly understood this look, and lowered his head.

"Well," Mustang broke into the conversation. " My guess is the soul controlling you is binded to the tent. Hence, the strange light..." He gazed at Edward with no emotion. " If we do get you away from here, odds are, that soul will have no choice but to stay. My guess is also when the soul is seperated from you, it will nothing that theropy won't help." He flashed a quick smile.

"Well, great! Now, what's the plan?"

"Your plan, Ed." Hawkeye spoke up from her silence.

" My plan? Run? Yeah, cause that will totally work for me!" Ed half growled the joke while shifting his weight. The cut on his chest still glistened with blood. " No, I'm joking. I can run. Well...depending on what you call a run. My head is still screaming with that annoying little voice."

"The voice of the soul?" Al asked.

"Nope." Ed grunted as he stood up and steadied himself. "That little voice that says this is a _REALLY_ bad idea!" With that, he made a mad dash to the exit, the small group in haul.

As soon as they reached the outside, Ed stopped and breathed in fresh air. " GOD..." He gasped, "It reeked in there.."

"Yeah, it smelled like death and blood." Roy added as he caught up.

"Thanks...for that mental image Colonel Bastard!"

"Maybe we should have listen to you and left you there, you midget!"

" WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT-" Surprisingly, Ed broke off in the middle of his rant. His eyes widened a little. He quickly turned his head to the side ans spat on the ground. When it hit the ground, There was nothing but a large splotchy of crimson on the ground.

_"Fffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" _Edward moaned as he stared at the puddle of blood. " That's not suppose to happen!"

"My guess is, the soul splitting." Roy piped up. He didn't sound the least bit worried.

"Well, damn it then, keep walking!" Ed followed his own orders and kept walking away from the tent. Al was beginning to worry when his brother, every 20 seconds or so, would spit out blood. He caught Eds eye when he looked back the group. Edward smiled lightly and turned back to the front, walking proudly and as strong as he could. When the tent was out of sight, Ed stopped hacking blood left and right.

"Well that was easier than I thought." Ed commented as he put his hands on his hips, looking too pale to be healthy. Still posing, he felt flat on his face.

"Brother!" Al was instantly at his brothers side. But only sighed when Ed snored lightly.

"What the hell are we going to do with you, Fullmetal..."

* * *

**Hawkpath: Well, if you think that was terrifing and sad to read, think about the author! I had to write it! Oh, curse my wild imagination! While listening to **_**The Greatest Show Unearthed**_**, this is what popped into my head. Orginaly, Winry was going to be a victim, but I didn't feel like it...**

**Ed: Well, I think-**

**Rex: Yeah, yeah, we all know, you think it was horrible, blah blah blah...**

**Hawkpath: Although I welcome your support, Rex, and your show DOES have a manga/comic, please get back to Generator Rex. Oh, and to all my GR readers out there, I PROMISE. My Asylum will be updated...I just need time to sort my likings... Fma has taken over a large part of my writing, and it's a little more fun to write about.**

**Ed: Yeah, MY show has a lot more DEPTH.**

**Rex: Your show is bloody...**

**Ed: Because only a wuss would limit it to only a small mouth bleed every 20 episodes...And at least mine has a lot more colorful vocabulary.**

**Hawkpath: PLACE YOUR BETS! ONE AND ALL! Whose show is better? GR? Or FMA? Well, I'm taking to FMA fans, so OF COURSE you'll choose FMA! Give me a shout in a review if you like the show ( Well of course...) And if you liked the fic!**

**Ed: Hmm...I have an idea! QUESTION! We all know you LOVE FMA. But WHY? OOOOOOOOOOOOO!**

**Hawkpath: Oh, yeah! Perfect! Answer the question people! Or Edward will be very very sad... Review please!**


	3. How Could This Happen to Me?

**IM SO SORRY! JUST-... SORRY!**

" Yeah, like that would ever happen, Al."

"Hey, it's possible!"

Edward and Al walked along the concrete sidewalk, coming up to a crossing point in the road.

Ed looked at his younger brother with pure amusement. " You actually think Mustang- Colonel Mustang- would actaully worry about where we were?"

"Well..." Al thought for a moment " He could..."

"He could, he can, but he won't." Edward twisted his words purposly to make Al think about he just said.

"...What?"

"Exactly..."

As they reached the crossing point in the road, they stopped and looked left and right. Old habits die hard, Ed thought, as he scanned the road. Their mother had always told them to watch the road before crossing it. Often, they didn't. They didn't...

...Until they almost got hit by a car...

Then they were petrified into watching it all the time.

Seeing no cars, Ed stepped casualy onto the road, letting one foot hang in the air for a second before dropping down the small slope that the sidewalk caused. Focusing on the other side of the road, he squinted when a bright light shown into his left eye. Turning his head to the light, slowing in step, he saw two bright lights heading straight for him.

Fast.

Edward was instantly struck with fear. He had no time to think. He legs locked a refused to move at all. Al was maybe 3 feet ahead of him, unaware. Within less than a second, the fast moving light were on him. Pain ripped through Ed's body.

Darkness...

_I opened my eyes. I try to see, but I'm blinded by the white light..._

This much was true... Ed thought has he did so. A song, for no reason was running through his head at this time. He was well aware that he was lying on the ground in the middle of the road.

_I can't remember how, I can't remember why, I'm lying here tonight..._

Why is my life instantly following a stupid a song...? Edward made a scowl as he tried to sit up to no avail. He barly got a inch off the ground before dropping the small distance back to the pavement.

_And I can't stand the pain. And I can't make it go away. No I can't stand the pain..._

Ed's face felt hot and sticky. A foul, salty smell came to his nose.

Blood.

His blood.

_How could this happen to me?_

_I've made my mistakes. Got no where to run. The night goes on._

_As I'm fading away. I'm sick of this life. I just wanna scream..._

_How could this happen to me?_

Ed moved his lips but no sound came out. He heard blurry screaming from all around him. One stuck out form them all. On that was a litte more high pitched. One that was choked.

Al...

_Everybody's screaming. I try to make a sound, but no one hears me..._

Edward felt faint. Very faint. He was well aware of the blood pooling around his head.

_I'm slipping off the edge. I'm hanging by a thread. I want to start this over again..._

Suddenly, Ed was flung into a memory. He was standing there with his mother, washing vegetables, and handing them to Al, who was dab drying them. All of them were smiling and looking very happy.

_So I try to hold... Onto a time when, nothing mattered._

Then he was flung to when they tried Human Transmutation. The blood that pooled around him then. His agonizing crys that could be heard from miles away...

_And I can't explain what happend. And I can't erase the things that I've done..._

_No I can't..._

It was my fault... Edward thought with this vivid memory. It's my fault... It was my idea...It all my fault! Ed felt someone shaking his shoulder. He opened his eyes, not even knowing he had closed them in the first place, and flicked his gaze over to who was shaking him.

It was Al.

_How could this happen to me?_

_I've made my mistakes. Got nowhere to run. The night goes on._

_As I'm fading away... Im sick of this life. I just want to scream..._

_How could this happen to me..?_

Black dots scattered his vision. He looked straight into Al's eyes. They gleamed with unshead tears...

**Damn it...**

* * *

**Hawkpath: Yeah...IM SO SORRY! I wrote this like a week ago at midnight... Oh, I dont own FMA or the song. Untitled by Simple Plan.**

**Ed: God damn it, Hawky! You always make me get hurt! ALWAYS!**

**Hawkpath: Sorry, Ed, but it's just too much fun to write about.**

**Rex: Hey-**

**Hawkpath: Don't even start. Just get out now. Come back, and GR fics are done for good.**

**Rex: ...K...**

**Ed: PFFFT !**

**Rex: WHATS SO FUNNY, PIPSQUEAK?**

**Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE CAN DROWN IN A DROP OF WATER, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!**

**Hawkpath: For the last time, NO ONE SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT!**

**Ed: SHH!**

**Hawkpath: DONT TELL ME TO SHH! *Whacks Ed with a frying pan***

**Ed: OW!**

**Rex: Hehehe...**

**Hawkpath: YOU WANT SOME?**

**Rex: NO MA'AM!**

**Ed: Gah...That's almost as bad as Winry's wrench...*Shuddders at the thought.***

**Hawkpath: Well, I'm sorry for such a shitty fic. Oh well, Review please!**


	4. Happy

Edward was about to do the stupidest thing he will ever do.

"Do I REALLY have to?" Ed complained as he stood impaticently in Mustang's office.

"Yes, yes you do. You lost a bet. Now pay up" Roy sneered at the end of his response, just thinking about what the young alchemist was about to do.

Ed sighed in defeat. " Fine..." He walked out into the room where everyone between Furey and Hawkeye were. He took a deep breath and began to do the most retarded thing ever.

"I am really special cause there's only one of me. Look at my smile, I'm so damn happy, other people are jealous of me." Ed made sure that he looked as miserable as possible as Roy snickered behind him. Ed was also trying to make sure the others knew that he had to do this, and it was not free will to sing about his oh-so-happy life. He continued on, his face feeling hot, and staring at his feet in shame.

"When I'm sad and loney, I like to sing this song. It cheers me up and shows me that I won't be sad for long. Oh-oh-oh, I'm so happy, I can barely breath. Puppy dogs and sugar frogs and kittens, baby teeth. Watch out all you mothers. I'm happy it's hard core. Happy as a coupon for a" Ed hesitates and then points at Riza -"Twenty dollar whore!"

Riza looked like she was about to shoot the kid.

" I'm really happy. I'm-" Hesitation "- Sugar coated me. Happy, good , anger, bad, that's my philosophy."

He turned around to Roy and looked up into his onyx eyes in a pleading way. " I can't do this, bastard, I'm _not_ happy..." Roy looked back down at him sternly.

" I thought I said no un-happy lines!"

Ed growled before continuing on, a little faster this time. " "I am really special cause there's only one of me. Look at my smile, I'm so damn happy, other people are jealous of me." He held up his hands in a depressed sorta way, looking so miserable and lowered his voice at this stupid line as well. " These are my love handles and this is my spout, but if you tip me over then momma said knock you out!"

Ed stopped for a second, staring at the ground in pure embarrssement. Then I had an actual happy thought. **Improvise.**

"I am special. I am happy. I am gunna heave. Welcome to my happy world, now get your shit and leave!" For once, Ed could actually smile and be happy about what he was saying. " I am happy, I am good, I'm- " _Out of lines... _He thought Then he picked up quickly. "- I'm outta here!"

Ed stormed for the door and opened in harsly before turning around and pointing a accusing finger towards Mustang.** " SCREW YOU!" **With that, the door slammed.

And just about that time, Roy fell to the floor, having a seizure from laughing so hard. Everyone but Hawkeye followed.

Hawkeye just frowned at the men around her. " Poor Ed..."

**A/N: I'm sorry, I just had to do it!**


	5. Cracking Up

The hot chocolate advanced.

Filled to the brim with rabies.

Just...Don't ask...

"AGH! Al! What the hell is going on!"

"I beileve it's a crack fic!"

"A WHAT? NOOOOOOO!"

Ed sank to ground on his knees, crying out to the sky dramaticaly. He continued to screech untill someone threw an oreo at his head.

"Will you shut up, Fullmetal?" Roy stood at least five feet away. He looked normal...except for the now hot pink hair.

"What the hell happened to you!" Ed asked, trying to choke down a laugh at the sight of his suppieror. Roy suddened curled into a protective ball.

"It's the fangirls! Their EVERYWHERE."

"O.M.G! It's ROY! I'M GOING TO TAKE HIS GLOVES!"

"WHERE! HIS PANTS ARE MINE!"

"I'LL TAKE HIS SOUL!"

Roy looked around fearfully. " You've got to help me! They want my **SOUL..."**

Edward put on a sly smile. " Oh, and I should help you because...?"

"Because they'll be after you next, brother."

"...Oh yeah..."

A sudden crowd of a hundered people turned the corner and stared. Then, in unison-

**"HOLY SHIT~! IT'S EDO~!"**

"!"

"Run away! Run away! _RUN AWAY!"_

After turning down many whip cream filled roads, Ed and Roy came to stop in an alley.

"Wait...where's Al?"

"Ooohhh...shit...they got him..."

Ed gasped and tears filled his eyes. "What? No! They're going to tak his vigrinity!"

"Well...can I take yours?"

"...What?"

"Nothing! Nothing!" Roy' face turned a slight pink. He suddenly lunged at Ed and kissed him. Deeply.

Ed didn't fight, but instead leaned into the kiss, letting Roy take the-

"WAIT WAIT WAIT! What's with those words?" Ed screeched as he looked at the subtitles. "No, no, **_NO!_** Not going to happen, bitches!" Ed ran up to the screen and tore down the subtitles that were already going into a lemon scene.

"What did you do! Now everyone will talk in different languages!"

"Wha'? Oh...shit..."

"¡Fullmetal, usted nunca deja de asombrarme con su estupidez!"_ Fullmetal, you never cease to amaze me with your stupidity!_

"Was? Sie wollten jenen Abfall dort behalten!" _What? You wanted to keep that trash there!_

Oh ne pas couler ! Cela était complètement... Je ne sais pas même que c'était ! Juste... EWW _Of course not! That was completely... I don't even know what that was! Just... EWW!_

"Doar taci! Atitea limbi!" _Just shut up! So many languages!_

"Nej, du stänger upp! Du lite halvt halvliter DVÄRG! " _No, you shut up! You little half pint MIDGET!_

"待ってください、それでそれがewwである...と思いましたか？ よくその時あなたは私に感謝しているべきです！"_ Wait, so you thought it was...eww? Well then, you should be thanking me!_

"No! Because now-Wait, wait! Stop there! ENGLISH! THANK YOU!"

"Wha'? OH THANK SCIENCE!"

* * *

**Languages Used- Spainsh, German, French, Roman , Swedish, and Japanese. In that order.**

**Don't take this seriously. It's a crack.**


	6. Cellphones

The day cellphones were introduced to Amestris was the worst day at the office ever.

For Ed anyway.

**Chime!**

_Click click click-cli-cli-click!_

**Ring!**

_Click click click click click cl-cl-cl-cl CLICK!_

**Vibration...**

_Click click click-_

"HOLY SHIT! JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER!" Edward screeched in frustration. When everyone stared, Ed continued on, taking the silence as a welcome.

"I mean, come on! You would really rather TEXT each other than listen to your own voices!"

At least 6 vibrations went off in Ed's boot, where he kept his own cellphone. Glaring around at the people in the room, he slowly reached into his combat boot, and pulled out his phone. He opened the fold with a deadly pace. In a few clicks, he reached the texts he had just received. He looked down the list, reading the names he had set for each, then the message.

From: J. Havoc

**Pretty much, yeh...**

From: K. Fuery

**Oh come on Ed! This is cool!**

From: Breda **(1)**

**Mhm... Would rather text than talk.**

From: R. Hawkeye

**Yes!**

From: M. Hughes

**OMG! Yes! I would sooo text all the time if I could!**

Attached to Hughes message was a picture of Elisia...

And finally

From: Colonel Bastard

**I wood rather txt than talk 2 _ur_ tiny smart azz.**

A nuculer bomb went off in the office.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT YOU CANT HEAR HIM WITHOUT A MEGAPHONE?" Ed raised his voice past the usual, just to prove a point.

Point proven.

But then-

_Click click click click._

**BZZZZ.**

A harsh vibration went off in Ed's right. The phone rubbed against the metal, causing a very unpleasnt noise. Everyone jumped at it, turning to Ed. Ed brought his phone to his face, not once removing his glare from Roy. He read the new message.

From: Colonel Bastard

**O.M.G Txt! I wont lisin to u if u dont.**

Edward couldn't beileve what he had read. And he refused to comply ethier. "No! I will NOT text you! And for the love of everything right in the world, SPELL YOUR WORDS RIGHT AT LEAST!

Roy simply held up his phone again.

_Click Click click clic- **SLAM.**_

Edward had left the room, but you could still hear the vibration outside the door.

You may be in Drachma, or Cretea, or even Xing, but you still heard the scream.

**(1) I forgot Breda first name...Im such a loser...**


	7. Old Spice Roy

"Maaann...there's nothing EVER good to watch!" Havoc yawned as he flipped through channel after channel.

Fuery huffed and rolled his eyes."Tell me about it... Last week I was forced to watch _Jersey Shore_!"

Everyone in the room turned to him.

"I feel _so_ bad for you, man." Edward lightly stroked Kain's hair in a attempt to make him happy. Suprisingly, he rolled on the hotel bed, towards Ed. The blonde stopped and quickly stood up, inching away from a somewhat creepy Fuery.

"Jeez, I'm just joking Ed. Loosen up!" Kain huffed again and looked back at the flickering channels. Havoc stopped and stared at the screen, mouth wide open. Everyone gathered around... Except Edward, but we'll get to him soon enough.

Fuery, Havoc, and Mustang, (Who was there the whole time and we didn't know till now) watched the screen. Two of them were stunned, while the other was smiling his ass off...

A deep voice was sent through the air.

"Hello ladies."

It was Roy in a commercial...

"Look at man, now back to me, now back your man, back to me. Saddly, he isn't me." The Roy on TV held up a red bottle. "But if he stopped using lady-scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could _smell_ like he's me."

The shower background behind Roy pulled up and he was now on a boat.

"Look down, back up." A towel fell onto Roy's shoulders. "Where are you? You're on a boat, with the man your man could smell like."

Everyone was still staring wide-eyed at the screen, disturbed, but unable to look away.

"What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It's an oyster, with two tickets to that thing you love."

Indeed, there was an oyster in Roy's hand, with two tickets in it. The oyster suddenedly turned into diamonds.

The TV-Roy went on. "Look again, the tickets are now diamonds." Another Red bottle rose from the pile of falling diamonds in Roy's palm. "Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not like a lady. I'm on a horse."

A catchy jingle played and Roy was indeed on a horse. It was a beautiful golden one, mane and tail tied into a braid. The only thing was...

The horse had automail on it's right foreleg and it's left hindleg...

Kinda like...

Havoc and Fuery turned to Ed at the same exact time.

Edward stopped slamming his head into the wall long enough to glare back at them.

_**"Don't ask..."**_

**Follow Edward's advice and JUST DON'T ASK. I can just see Roy in a Old Spice Commerical though... X3**


	8. River: Part One

"Can't catch me!"

"Just you wait, Brother!"

"Too slow! Haha! C'mon! Can't catch me!"

_Such a childish game,_ Roy mused, _Tag. But then again, are they nothing but childeren?_

Roy, Ed, and Al had decided about 2 days ago that they would go on a week long camping trip. Why? To get away from it all. The military. The constant issues popping up here and there. Pretty much everything.

At the momment, the brothers were playing tag to pass the time. Running up and down the steep river bank, tagging eachother back and forth, laughing the entire time. At anyother time, Roy would have found this awkward to watch, but now, here in the middle of the forest, it seemed normal. It was normal to sit ontop of a hill and watch the two brothers play by the river below...Just so normal.

Roy continued to watch this on going game, with joy, he found. Alphonse had started to catch up to his older brother, and was now reaching a hand out to tag his back. Ed turned his head around, eyes wide. He yelped when Al's hand firmly pressed onto his back.

"Tag! You're_ it!"_ Alphonse stated with glee, as he turned on heel and ran the other way.

"Not for long!" Ed turned and started to run after his younger brother. The pebbles beneath his feet suddenly shifted when he lifted his foot to begin his run. They rolled down the bank and fell into the river. More pebbles followed, the ground beneath Edward's feet shifting contantly. In surprise, he slipped on the rolling rocks.

He fell into a steeper area of the bank, and unintelltionaly rolled towards the steep drop into the rushing river. In panic, Ed's hands worker furiously to get a grip on the ground, only to have the pebbles seep out from under them, slidding him ever closer to the edge of the bank. Now, seeing the rushing river closing in, Ed yelped in alarm, and tried more desperatly to get a foothold on the shifting ground.

Alphonse, hearing Ed's little yip, turned to see the scene set before him. He immeditaly started to run back towards his older brother, calling Roy. "Colonel!"

Roy had zoned out and was staring at the trees, but he now looked towards the younger Elric and then to the older. "Fullmetal!"

Roy lept from his place on the hill and half ran, half fell, towards the slipping alchemist. Ed was still fighting for a grip when his legs slid off the edge and dangled over the dark water below. Now truly panicing, he screeched has his hands still couldn't find a hold. He fought against gravity now.

Roy neared closer, sprinting at a break neck pace. Ed wasn't even visible anymore, just his hands. When Roy got five feet away... he disapeared all together.

**_"NO!"_** Roy almost dove over the edge, when he got close enough to see Ed hanging onto a root sticking out the eathy, river beaten wall. He clung to it, shooting glaces between the river below and Roy above. Roy reached a hand out to younger alchemist, hoping he would be able to make a grab for it.

Ed stared at Roy's hand for a second, before reaching out and taking his wrist. Roy clenched the boys wrist back. The branch Ed was holding onto cracked and snapped off, leaving the Fullmetal Alchemist hanging by the Flame Alchemists arm. They both stared desperatly at each other, before grinning. Ed, once again, had dodged death.

But death wasn't so forgiving...

Their grins disapeared when Ed started to slip. Their gloves! They were falling off! Roy reached his other hand out to Ed, who took it quickly. Alphonse started to hold onto the Colonel's legs to keep him from following his younger brother down the bank. Their gloved hands still slipped. They held each others hands now.

And then...

Gravity won the battle.

Ed tumbled in the air before splashing into the dark water.

**OMG I'm SOO evil! This is going to be a two part chapter. Because I'm evil, I gave you a cliffy. HAHA!**

**Yeah, keep in mind I like to switch the plot of the anime in my head. In this, Ed still has his automail and Al has his body. Sooo...Yeah...**

**Keep reading and keep a look out for River: Part Two! The next post will be a short little tease, while River: Part Two won't be out for a while! Sorry, but that's how school works!**

**Have a good one! Please review!**

**~Hawky**


	9. Bird is the Word, BITCHES!

**Let me set the scene. **Roy, Alphonse, and Edward were sitting at a table in a outside resturant. Roy was reading a paper, Al was just sitting, and Ed looked devious.

Ed gave a quick glace at Roy. "Roy, can I see that paper for a sec?" Roy handed Ed the paper and gave a weary glace as his eyes skimmed the page. He flipped a couple pages before his eyes widening. "Huh...That's odd...I thought that would be big news..."

Roy was a little suspicious now. "You thought what would be big news?"

"Well, there seems to be an absense of a certaint ornathological peice..." Ed countered with a matter-of-fact tone. he flipped a page casually " A headline regarding mass awarness of a certaint avain variety..."

Roy was now hoplessly confused. "What are you talking about?"

Ed's eyes widened a bit more and his voice changed into surprise. "Oh, have you not heard?" He motioned to the paper, and his voice dropped to disapproval. "It was my understanding that everyone had heard."

"Heard what?"

Alphonse lept and up and let out a terrified screech.** "ROY, DON'T!"**

Edward sprang from his chair and started to ...sing...and...do the monkey it looked like.

"A- WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD! B-BIRD'S THE WORD! A-WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD! B-BIRD'S THE WORD! A-WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD! B-BIRD'S THE WORD! A-WELL A BIRD BIRD BIRD! B-BIRD'S THE WORD!"

He pointed at Roy, who was conviced that Ed's coffee had been spiked. "ROY! DON'T YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BIRD!" He ran up to Roy and held him closely. "WELL EDWARD'S GUNNA TELL YOU ABOUT THE BIRD! A- WELL BIRD BIRD B-BIRD'S THE WORD! A-WELL A BIRD!"

Edward lept backward a bit and made a surfing motion. The entire time, Al was standing, giving Ed a withering glare.

"SURFIN' B- " Ed began to shake and move uncontrolably and soon he fell to the ground in what looked like a sezueir. He continued to make noises before gasping and falling limp.

Roy immeditaly rushed to the boy's side. "Oh my god, Edward, are you alright?"

"Papapa oomamaomao papa oomamamaomao." Ed lept up and began dancing once again, continuing his stupid chant.

Alphonse pulled out a gun and put the barrel in his mouth.

**OK! That was sooo awkward to write!**

**Two disclaimers today! WHOO!**

**I DO NOT OWN FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST OR FAMILY GUY!**

**Yes, that idea came from Family Guy. I don't reall watch it, but this was too funny to pass up! Review please!**

**~Hawky**


	10. Like a boss!

**WARNING! **

**For this chapter and this chapter only, I have amped the rating to M for stronger language.**

"Mr. Mustang, thanks for coming to your preormance review."

"No problem."

Preformance review day. It was- no doubt- the weridest day Tervis Mason _ever _had.

Tervis was in charge of Colonel Roy Mustangs review. So here he was...

He cleared his thoat. "So, you're in charge here. Is that fair to say?"

Mustang stared back at him like it was obvious. "Absolutely. I'm the boss."

_Ok, so we're getting somewhere. Don't know where, but its somewhere. _Tervis mused before continuing. " Ok, so take us through a day in the life of 'the boss'."

The smirk that appeared on the Colonels face scared Tervis shittless. "Well the first thing I do is-"

He jumped onto on his desk..."Talk to corporate!"

"LIKE A BOSS!" From behind the desk, a small blonde popped out and popped back behind quickly. The only thought that was going through Tervis's head at that moment was...

_WHAT THE FUCK?_

"Approve memos!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Lead a workshop!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Remember birthdays!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Direct workflow!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

_Ok... so that sounds normal enough..._

"My own bathroom!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Micromange!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Promote Synergy!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

_Wait... what?_

"Hit on Riza!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Get rejected!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Swallow saddness!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Send some faxes!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

_O...k?_

"Call a sex line!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

_WHAT?_

"Cry deeply!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Demand a refund!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Eat a bagel!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Harrassment lawsuit!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Now, hold on!" Tervis tried to interject, but it was in vain.

"No promotion!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Fifth of vodka!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Shit on Riza's desk!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Can I just-"

"Buy a gun!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"In my mouth! ... Oh fuck man, I can't fucking doing it, SHIT! Pussy out!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

**"WHAT THE FUC-"**

"Puke on Riza's desk!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Jump out the window!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Suck a dudes dick!"

"EWWW!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Score some coke!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Crash my car!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Suck my own dick!"

"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE _**HELL!"**_

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Eat some chicken strips!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Chop my balls off!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

"Black out in the sewer!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Meet a giant fish!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Fuck his brains out!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Turn into a jet!"

"I'm not even going to comment anymore.."

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Bomb the Drachman's!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Crash into the sun!"

"LIKE A BOSS!"

"Now I'm dead!" 

"LIKE A BOSS!"

Tervis was utterly stunned. "Uh-huh... So that's an average day for you then?"

Mustang jumped off the desk a leaned against it, all 'cool like.' "No doubt."

"You chop your balls off and die?"

_"Hhhell yeah,"_

"And I think at, uh, one point there you said something about sucking your own dick?"

"Nope!"

Hopelessly confused now. " Actually, I'm pretty sure you did."

"Nah that ain't me." The Colonel rolled his eyes and smiled. Or smirked. However you see it.

"Ok, well, this has been eye opening for me..." _More like a reason to rat you out for this..._

"I'm the boss."

Ummm " Yeah, no I got that. You said it about four hunderend times."

"I'm the boss."

"Yeah yeah I got it!"

"I'm the boss."

At this point, Tervis had started walking away. "No, I heard you! See you later!" Not.

In the distance, as Tervis closed the door, he was sure he heard something that was all too familar by now.

_**"LIKE A BOSS!"**_

**Yep. Yeah. River part 2 is still a work in progress. But so you don't get bored, I gave you this. I heard this song, and instantly thought of Roy. **

**So here you go, with Roy singing he's a boss, and Ed backing him up.**

**Song is Like a Boss by The Lonely Island. I do not own FMA or this song. Nor do a claim the as mine. Thanks for reading! Please review!...**

**LIKE A BOSS!**


	11. Constant Downer

When Hughes tried to teach Edward how to throw a knife, things got bad very _very_ quickly.

"You see, Eddo, It's all in the wrist! All in the wrist! Just lean your hand back- that's it- and then snap forward!"

Ed did as we was told, but instead of the knife going across the room to the target, it went straight up, back down, and landed point first onto his shoulder.

"AHHG! GOD DAMMIT!" Ed screamed, his right hand flying to his left shoulder. After a few seconds, he slowly took his hand off and looked at the white glove. The palm and fingers of the white glove were now crimson.

"Ahhaha... fuck!" He growled, replacing his hand. The knife had managed to stab into his shoulder about a half an inch deep. The knife itself had fallen to the ground.

Maes was instantly to his side, trying to pry the youngers hand off his wound. In return, he recived a line of curses.

Roy Mustang, however, was too busy cracking up to do anything but! Unfortunetly for him, Edward noticed.

At the sight of the Colonel trying to contain his laughs, and failing miserably at it, Ed exploded. "WHAT THE HELL IS FUNNY ABOUT THIS, YOU JERK!"

Roy looked up, his face red and his eyes watering. His shoulders- scratch that, his entire body- shook with a inaudible laugh. He took a few deep breaths, only to burst into laughter once more. Between gasping for breath and giggling at Edward misfortune, he spoke.

"It's.. just... hilarious... to see... you... even... _TRY..._ to... throw... a knife!"

"Really? How about I throw it at you, you bastard!"

"Nah, I'm good."

With a huff, Ed turned back to the target and picked the knife up, ignoring his injury. He glared at the target before attempting to fling the blade at it.

He swung back.

He swung forward.

But nothing flew at the target.

Ed and Maes turned to see Roy, frozen in a walk behind them, with the knife 1 inch away from his nose.

On the back swing, the knife had flew out of Edward's hand and imbedded it's self into the wall.

Roy looked cross-eyed at the knife before slowly turning to Maes and Ed. He spoke calmly, yet in a blaming way-

"I'm not even going to ask how I'm still alive. Because you know what I think?_ I think _I died long ago and _you two _are my_ eternal punishment..."_

Both men, tall and small, looked stunned, before a certaint chibi- alchemist spoke up.

"You're like a constant downer, _huh?"_


	12. Out Of Breath

**On one fine spring morning in the office...**

**Ever thing went to hell.**

It was practically a normal day. Everyone-not including Roy of course- was doing their normal work. Fuery was fiddling with some machine, Falman was... well.. doing what Falman's do. Breda and Havoc were going back and forth from screwing around to doing paperwork. And Hawkeye was pointing her gun at Roy... _Again..._

"Sir... If you don't start doing your paper work for once... _just once_.. My finger might just slip.." She threatened the cowering colonel.

"H-hey..." He started " W-w-we all know you're t-too good to h-have a slip up l-like that!"

She stared over the barrel of her gun for another heartbeat. She lowered her weapon slowly. "You get off this time sir, but flattery will get you no where..."

Roy sighed and picked up his pen, "Yes, right Lieutenant."

**And, right about then, is when the Elric's came into the picture...**

**See, **_**this **_**is where everything goes to hell. **_**Pure hell.**_

Both Elric's burst into the room and turn to each other at the same exact time.

_"I WIN!"_

...

Havoc looked over briefly, "If you're wondering who won getting here first... It was you, Alphonse."

Said Elric threw both hands into the air, still panting from the long run."YES!"

"Aww... Well nice race!" Ed looked at his younger brother with a light smile. He was panting harder than Alphonse, bracing his hand on his knees. Durring his attempts to get air back into his lungs, his breath hitched several times, stopping completely. To Roy, it looked like there was a lot of effort there needed just to breathe.

Roy placed his pen down and held his head in one hand, elbow bracing on the desk, "Hey, Fullmetal, you sure are breathing hard..." He smirked. "I'm surpirsed you could run this far, with your tiny legs and all."

Ahh, and there is the look of _pure death._

Edward opened his mouth to reply with a stinging retort, but his breath hitched before he got the chance. His eyes widen briefly before closing in a coughing fit. His breath came in shallow gasps now.

Al looked at his brother with full concern. "Brother? Are you alright?"

"Yeh...y-yeah...I'm...fine..." Ed managed to wheeze out. Not soon after the words left his mouth, he went into another coughing fit and collapsed to his knees.

"Brother!" Alphonse fell to his own knees and leaned into his older brothers face. He looked on the verge to call and ambulance.

Roy stood up quickly from his desk, looking over it to get a better view of the Elrics. While the younger was freaking out, Ed was hardly breathing at all. You couldn't even hear the gasps for breath anymore.

In a flurry of panic, Edward seached his pockets, apparently not coming up with what he needed. Shock painted it's way across his face.

Alphonse looked between shocked, horrified, and furious. "You don't _have it_?"

Edward shook his head weakly, still gasping for the badly needed oxygen.

Roy dodged around his desk and knelt down to the wheezing Elric. He looked over at Al, "What the hell is wrong with him, Alphonse!"

Al snapped out of his trace and attempted to answer "B-brother- h-h-ha-has-"

"Asthma?" Riza suggested quickly, just as surprise as the rest.

Alphonse nodded quickly, looking back to his brother worriedly. "He doesn't have his fucking inhaler either!"

_'Oh this must be really bad'_ Roy thought,_ 'Alphonse just _swore!_ It has to be REALLY bad!'_

With a sudden movement, Kain was standing and ripping through desk drawers. He dug around until he found something. He didn't even bother closing the drawers as he spun around the desk in a heartbeat and crouched down in front of Ed. In his hand, he held a small white devise.

Fuery tapped the young alchemists shoulder. When Ed looked up weakly, Kain showed him the white thing. Placing a hand on his chest, Fuery lightly pushed Ed into Roy. Roy took his weight and held him up, although completely unknowing of what was happening.

Kain placed on end of the white devise between Edward's lips. He looked into his golden eyes and nodded tightly. Ed stared back through half lidded eyes and nodded weakly. With the flick of a finger, Fuery pushed down one end of the white devise- Roy now realised was a inhaler-, releasing a small hiss of medication. At the same time, Ed attempted to breath deeply. He succeeded with a long breath and exhausted sigh.

He fell further into Roy's arms. The gasping was now deep breaths, and his eyes were closed in relief. When he opened his eyes again, he looked at Kain and mouthed 'Thank you.'

Fuery nodded back, a light smile and blush on his face. "Just the first thing that came to mind, ya know?"

Havoc twitched out his stunned trance. " Huh... That's odd.."

Riza glaced at the smoker "What is?"

"Well, you would never guess by looking at either of them- Fuery or Edward- that they had asthma..." Havoc said slowly, sitting down and pulling out his cigarette package.

Roy spoke up with a small smirk on his face, "You know, if Fullmetal could either move or talk now, you know he would kill you for your completly stupidity."

"Yeah.." He lit a cigg and breathed it in deeply. "Yeah... yeah I know.."

Kain glanced over at Edward, who was recovering a little more. He tried to stand up, but Roy held him down. Ed batted weakly at Roy's arms, not really in such a hurry to get up anymore.

"You know, Ed, it's been proven that asthma attacks are linked to not having enough vitamin D..." Fuery said matter-of-factly.

Al looked over to his brother, silver meeting gold. "Hmmmm... I wonder..." He smiled and laughed a bit.

Ed just glared back. He knew exactly what Al_ 'wondered'_. And no. That wasn't going to happen. No...

_Never._

**Hawkpath: Aww... It's ok Havoc! I said the same thing when I found out my friend had asthma...**

**Ed: You're a tottal bitch, you know that?**

**Hawkpath: Flattery gets you no where in life, Edward. No where at all.**

**Ed: Hm. Well. Still...**

**Hawkpath: Still nothing. Shut up and let me finish. Unless you WANT the frying pan again?**

**Ed: NO MA'AM!**

**Hawkpath: Good boy. Now, about this entire thing. I got the idea in health where we had to learn about different non-comunicable diseases. Asthma was one I found interesting, and when I looked up more about it, I found out that- As Fuery said- A lack of Vitamin D is linked to asthma attacks. Now, that has nothing to do with what is going on here, BUT! It made me think. What's the one thing Edward Elric hates?**

**Ed: You.**

**Hawkpath: Besides that.**

**Ed: Needles?**

**Hawkpath: Aannnd?**

**Ed:...**

**Hawkpath: OH COME ON!**

**Ed: WHAT! What are you talking about?**

**Hawkpath: Milk you dipwad! M. I. L.K! Would you like some?**

**Ed: NO BITCH!**

**Hawkpath: Hm. Well. And you get Vitamin D from milk. Soo? Heheh! Plus, I just thought it would be pretty cute/ironic if Ed had asthma. So this was born.**

**Ed: She does that alot... Lets count off all the bad things she done to me, Hm? Asthma, getting it by a car, hypothermia, frostbite, getting crushed by a bookcase, smoking, drowning- Shall I go on?**

**Hawkpath: No. Because this is getting long and pointless. Anyway! Review please! Tell me what you think! See ya!**

**~Hawky**


	13. Everyone's A Little Bit Racist

**For this idea, I give full credit to **_**iTorchic**_**, who inspired me with her fiction **_**'333 and More Way to Get Kicked Out of HQ'**_**. This is the number/way that inspired me to enhance and extend on it.**

_"452. Change a serious moment into a completely random one_

_**When discussing the Ishbal war, it somehow led to there being an over-the-top musical moment of 'Everyone's a Little bit Racist' including Ling and Scar who happened to walk by at the most opportune moment."**_

**And thus... this was born. :D **

**Here's a link (Well... kinda...) to her story! **.net/s/5762238/1/333_and_More_Ways_to_Get_Kicked_Out_of_HQ** - Just paste this up top and read away! It's AMAZING and HILARIOUS!**

**Disclaimers- I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, the song, 'Everyone's a Little Bit Racist', or even this idea... I own nothing**

**Thanks!**

**~Hawky**

* * *

It was a fine morning at the office...

You know, before the usual happens.

Edward sat on Roy's couch, watching him do paperwork. He had been at it for a few hours, when a question poped into his head.

"Hey, Colonel, can I ask you a question?

Roy looked up from his work for a second, before returning to it, "Sure."

Ed hesitated for a heartbeat before, "Well, you know General Feril upstairs?"

Not looking up, Roy replied, "Uh huh..."

'Well, he's Xingense... And you look Xingense..."

"...Right..?"

"You're both Xingense looking."

"Yeah."

"Well, are you two related?"

Roy sputttered and glared at his suborbinate, "What! Fullmetal, I'm surpirsed at you! I find that racist!"

Ed had no idea where this was going..." Well, I'm sorry! I was just asking..!"

"Well! It's a touchy subject. No, not all Xingense looking people are related! What are you trying to say, huh? That we all look that same to you? Huh, huh, HUH?" Roy held up two fingers for emphasis.

'Holy shit! I never knew he was so fricking touchy!' " No! Not at all!" Ed replied, not wanting to get singed. What came out his mouth next surpirsed even him, "Well, I'm sorry, I guess that was a little bit racist."

Roy huffed and sat back in his chair, "I should say so. You should be much more careful when taking about the sensitve subject of race, Fullmetal."

Ed was suddenly irritated with this entire situation, "Well look who's talking!"

Roy narrowed his eyes at the younger, "What do you mean...?"

"What about that Xingense school you told me about?"

"What about it?"

"Well, could someone like me go there?"

"No, we don't want people like you-"

Ed broke out cackling when he made his point, "You see?"

And then... they broke out into SONG...

Ed stood from the couch, pointing at Roy, "You're a little bit racist."

Roy stood and pointed as well, "Well, you're a little bit too!"

"I guess we're both a little bit racist!" Ed sung while shrugging.

"Admitting it is not an easy thing to do!"

"But I guess it's true!"

"Between me and you, I think-!"

Then they harmonized...

"Everone's a little bit racist, sometimes!" They stood back to back, singing, and quite well I might add. " Doesn't mean we go around commiting, hate crimes!"

"Look around and you will find! No one's really color blind! Maybe it's a fact we all should face!" They threw their hands up into the air with this note, " Everyone makes judgements-" A short pause, "-Based on race!"

They faced eachother again, and resumed talking... somewhat...

Ed rolled his eyes as he spoke, "No, not big judments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from."

Roy narrowed his eyes teasingly, "No!"

"No just little judgments like thinking that Cretan busboys should learn to speak god damn Amestrian!"

"Right!" Roy held out that 'r' a second longer than the rest...Then they resumed singing together.

It's pretty obvious right about now that they are on something...

" Everyone's a little bit racist, today! So, everyone's a little bit racist. Okay! Ethnic jokes may be uncouth, but you laugh because their based on truth! Don't take them as personal attacks! Everyone enjoys them-" A short pause, " -So relax!"

Both came back to talking again, Ed starting, "Alright, so stop me if you've heard this one!"

"Ok!"

"Alright, so there's a plane going down. There's only one paracute. And there's a homunculus, a priest-"

"And a Ishballen!" Roy interuppted, reconising the joke.

And then, at seemingly an uncanny time, Scar walked by. He stopped as soon as he heard this, "What are you talking about, Flame!"

"Uhhh..."

"You we're telling an Ishballen joke!"

Ed cut in before this could get violent, "Well, sure, Scar, but lots of people tell Ishballen jokes."

Scar huffed and shifter his weight to one side, crossing his arms, "I don't"

" Well, of course _you_ don't, you're Ishballen!" Thinking for a moment, Ed added, "But I bet you tell Aergoian jokes, right?"

Scar chuckled a bit, "Well, sure I do. Those stupid Aergoians!" He then almost doubled over, remembering a certain joke that was hilarious.

Ed smirked and narrowed his eyes, "Now don't you think that's a little racist?"

Scar stopped laughing, "Well, damn... I guess you're right!"

And the signing resumed...!

What? _Signing_? No! Roy would never stop doing something so utterly stupid to go back to paperwork!

Singing! They started singing again!

"You're a little bit racist!" Roy sung, playfully pointing a finger at Scar.

"Well, you're a little bit too!" Scar pointed back.

"We're all a little bit racist!" Ed came between them and folded his arms around their shoulders in a friendly way.

Scar turned his head to the young alchemist and smiled, "I think that I would have to agree with you!"

"We're glad you do!" Roy and Ed sung together.

"It's sad, but true!" Scar broke away and started to sing more... joyfully...

Ok, it's official. They all split crack together...

"Everyone's a little bit racist- alright!

"Alright!"

"Alright!"

"Alright! Bigotry has never been exlusively white!"

Singing together, they acually sounded half good... "If we all could just admit, that we are racist a little bit! Even though we all know that's it's wrong! Maybe it would help us- " A short pause, "Get along!"

Completely out of the blue, (and character, I might add.) Ed started talking again, "Oh, Christ, do I feel good."

"Now there was a fine, upstanding Ishballen man!"

A little confused, Ed asked, "Who?"

"Jesus Christ."

Even Roy looked confused, "But, Scar, Jesus was Amestrian..."

"No, Jesus was Ishballen."

"No, Jesus was Amestian."

Scar narrowed his eye, "No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was Ishbal-"

"Guys guys!" Ed interjected, keeping the peace again. "Jesus... was Jewish!"

They all cracked up laughing, falling to the floor!

And then Ling walked by...

"Hey guys! What are laughing about!"

"Racism!"

"Cool!"

Then, the voice of Lan Fan was heard, "LING! Come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!"

Ed raised one eyebrow, "What's that mean?"

"Um, recyclables."

And the laughing continued!

"Hey!" Ling shouted, offended, "Don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak!"

Roy, wiping a few tears from his eyes, waved a hand at the Xingense prince, "Oh, come off it Ling!"

More singing...!

"Everyone's a little bit racist!"

"I'm not!"

Ed's eyebrow was rasied again, skeptically, "Oh no?"

"Nope!" Ling stated, "How many Mixed wives have you got?" (1)

"WHAT! LING!"

"Ling, buddy, where you been? The term is Xing - Amestrian!"

Lan Fan stepped out from behind the wall, "I know you no intendeding to be-!" She narrowed her eyes at Ling, "But calling me Mixed- offensive to me!"

Ling looked truly sorry, "I'm sorry, Lan Fan! .. I love you..?"(2)

" And I love you.."

"But you're racist, too!"

"Yeah I know." Lan Fan stood back and sung with power and volume that not even the Fullmetal Alchemist could reach on a short rant, "The Jews have all the money and the whites have all the power! And I'm always in taxi-cab with driver who no shower!"

"Me too!"

"Me too!"

"I can't even get a taxi!" Scar screeched rather impressively.

Only when they joined in a long line, joint by arms over eachother's shoulders, kicking up in a showtune way, did everybody know that they we're all wasted.

"Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true! But everyone's just about as racist as you! If we all could just admit, that we are racist a little bit-" They sped up a bit, "- And everyone stopped being so PC!" (3) "May-be we could live in-" The very last short pause, "Harmony!" They held that impressively...

Then Lan Fan broke away from the line and said, "Evlyone's a ritter bit lacist!"

And they all struck poses.

"All right! That's a wrap!" Some guy from a little ways away could be heard and bell went off. Everyone broke their poses, gasping slightly.

"Well, that was enteraining!" Ed said, taking a water bottle out of a hiding place behind the couch.

"Yeah, I wonder what's next." Roy said with enthusiasum.

* * *

**So, readers, what **_**is**_** next?**

**After hearing this song, I HAD to do this. Just HAD to... Sorry!**

**Notes-**

**(1) The orginal term is Oriental. Since I had no deisire to use that, I simply used Mixed. Oriental, I'm assuming, is a mix between Asian and American. So this was a mix between Xingense and Amestrian- hense- 'Mixed'.**

**(2) Yay for the Lan FanxLing! It was tottally unintended at first, but then I just went with it...**

**(3) PC means ****Politicially**** Correct, I found, after some research. (AKA- many many Youtube comment replys to that comment...)**

**OH! Yeah, BTW! This might have been crossing many lines... Racist stories... I think I went too far... ^.^" I honestly did not mean to offened any races, languages, or regligions. Honestly. Sorry! Ehehehehe...**

**Yeah, review please! LOL!**


	14. River: Part Two

**HEY GUESS WHAT! I'm not DEAD! YAAAY! Lol, sorry for not updating regularly. I've been busy. Real life. You know. Lol! Anyways, River part _duex!_**

**If you're looking for a song to listen to while reading this, try _Hurricane_ by _30 Seconds to Mars_ or_ The River_ by _Good Charlotte_. Both. Are. EPIC! :D**

**Pleas review!**

* * *

The water came quicker than he thought.

FWWOOOSH!

Ed landed painfully in the rushing water and began sank immeditaly, being pushed down river as well. The water roared in his ears and stung his eyes. He paddled franticaly, grasping the water, trying to pull himself to the surface. Surprisingly, this worked. His head broke surface and he caught a breath of air before going under again.

He struggled in the water's grasp, swimming upward again, and breaking surface again. This time, a rock in the water caught his attention. Leaping through the water like a dog in the snow, he let his fingers slip into the grooves of the rock. Clinging despreatly to his savior, he peered up the river beaten wall, to the top of the ridge. He caught sight of something running along the bank. Not something, he told himself, someone!

Edward saw the figures start to run further downriver. They didn't see him! Pulling himself further onto the rock, he attempted to call for help. Before any noise was made, a wave splashed into his mouth, causing him to sputter and spit out the foul tasting liquid. Ed tried again, keeping his head higher and away from the water. One word sparked in his head as he screeched for help.

"ROY!"

Another wave crashed onto the rock, stonger this time. Ed's fingers slipped from the rock, bit by bit.

~.'~.'~.'~.'~.'~.'~.'~.'~.'~.'~.'~

Oooohhhh shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit SHIT! Roy sprinted down the bank, following the current, keeping one eye on the river, and one in front of him. the grass blurred underneath his feet, and Alphonse could be heard running behind him.

The waves of the river crashed below, splashing over small rocks that jutted from the swirling liquid. As he past a large rock, Roy thought he heard something like a sputter, but it was too small to tell. Pasing it off as a splash form the river, he kept running, until-

"ROY!"

The Colonel stopped abruptly, almost falling and almost having a speed Al crash into him. He turned and looked back at that larger rock. At first, all he could see was water.

Then something bright red shone in the dark.

Edward. Was clinging. To a fucking. ROCK.

"Oooh DAMN!" Mustang made to turn back when Ed washed off the rock, sinking into the murky water.

At that moment, Roy made a possibly stupid decistion.

He jumped head long into the water.

A cold rush chilled him instantly.

For a moment, Roy floated there in the churning water, before snapping into action. He dove deep into the river, the muck burning his eyes. He waved his arms around wildly, trying to feel for the young alchemist rather than seeing him. With rising panic, he found nothing.

Then something brushed past his hand. Cloth. Roy grabbed out blindly, managing to snatch onto whatever had touched him. Pulling the cloth towards him through the water, Roy found that it had incredible weight._ 'I've got him!'_ Roy thought, his fear fading.

But his panic only returned when he saw the blonde. He was unconcious. A dead weight with steel anchors.

Roy slipped one arm under the alchemist's, and with as much strength as he could summon, pushed off the river bottom.

Both their heads exploded on the surface, and the older struggled to stay above. Keeping Ed's head out of the ripping current, Roy reached out blindly again, looking for anything to hold onto. Relief washed through him as he came to another large rock. He grappled for a hold on the slippery surface for a moment before finding a crack. The Colonel sunk his fingers between the split and hauled as much as their bodies out of the river as possible.

Roy lied there for a moment, trying to drag oxygen back into his lungs. He flicked his eyes over to Ed.

And a whole new flood of fear slammed onto his chest.

He watched. And watched. Looking for a sign...

Edward wasn't breathing. His sides didn't rise or fall. They stayed so still...

Roy leaped to action again, panic giving him new found enegry. He flipped the young alchemist onto his back, intertwined his fingers, placed the heel of his hand on his chest and pressed down hard. Basic medical training in the military had served him well._ 'I guess it's a good thing Havoc pushed me to take that up, after all!' _

Roy repeated this motion for a while. After around 20 seconds of no reponse, he moved on with a twing of uncomfortablilty. He tipped Ed's head back and pinched the blondes nose shut. With as much trained professionalisim as he could muster, Roy took a deep breath and placed his mouth over the youngers. Forcing down his panic, Roy pushed the breath of air into Ed's lungs.

With a feral-like snarl, Roy clasped his hands together again and pushed down on his chest once more. With a jolt, Ed almost shot up with a strangled cough. He turned himself on his side and continued to hack roughly, coughing out a stream of water onto the rock.

Roy rubbed Edward's back soothingly, raising his head up to the ledge above. He saw Alponse staring down at the pair, eyes wide. Roy flashed him a quick smile of reasurance, and returned to looking over his older brother.

Ed now lied on the jagged rock, his breaths coming quick and shallow. His golden eyes were dull and half-lidded with exuastion. Just as his eyes almost closed, Roy nudged him, "Hey," he said with a soft voice, "Stay awake. Alright?"

The young alchemist opened his eyes again. He seemed to glare at Roy stopping him from getting rest. Roy chuckled and said, "Oh, come on. Please?"

Which, by the way, was totally _not _begging. Roy Mustang did not beg anymore, led alone his snappy suborbinate.

But Ed gave in, not agreeing for disagreeing, but still forcing himself to stay awake.

Roy snapped his head up with he heard a clap. From above, a vine-like-rope inched it's way down the stood lowering it down. It brushed the rock and Roy snatched onto it. He looked back upto the younger Elric.

Al cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted down to the pair of them, "Hold onto it! We'll pull you guys up!" He turned and disapeared.

'We'll?' Roy mused for a second. Who else was up there?

The Colonel slipped his arm around Ed again, holding on blonde jolted sharply with a hiss as Roy tightened his grasp around his chest. Roy snatched the vine and looked back at Ed, a thought dawning on him.

"This will never work..." He said in a soft voice. One of them was certaint to slip and fall. If Roy slipped, they were both going down. But there was a strong possiblilty that Ed could slip out of his arm and fall back into the unforgiving waters.

Roy let go of the vine and thought hoplessly. He looked around, trying to figure out a way to get out of this gorge with both their lives. He lowered Ed back onto the rock, keeping his arm around him so he wouldn't take another dip in the cold river.

_'This is hopless... There's no purchase on the sides, there's no way to scale the walls, and there is _no way _we can swim down stream. Who knows where this stream could end up...?'_

Lost in his own dispair, Roy almost didn't hear the small clap and the crackle of engery. He snapped his eyes back to Ed, and traced his arm down to where the vine brushed rock. The end of the vine was tied in a knot and just above it was a slat of the stone they were sitting on.

"Ed, that's brilliant!" Roy said, looking at the young alchemist. Ed merly shrugged, looking more tired now. _'The transmutation must have taken some energry out of him...'_ Roy mused.

Roy stood again, his arm still looped around the blondes chest. As pressure was increased, Ed hissed sharply again, his face scrunched in pain. _'He must've broken something... a rib...'_

The Colonel stepped onto the slat, shifting Ed in his arm carefully. An idea flashed into his mind, ad he put it to work. Roy put Ed in front of him and the rope, looping both arms over his chest, trying to be gentel but effective. The youngers heels brushed the slat and he planted his boots onto the edge, gaining some sort of foothold. Roy held onto him has he felt the rope jerk and begin to assend.

He forced himself not to look down at the water, only up at the edge of the ledge. As it came in reach, Roy heaved Ed up and over the edge, pushing him slightly so he would be safe from falling. Then, he reached up and tried the haul himself up and over. A strong hand grabbed onto his wrist and helped pull his up._ 'Alphonse?' _Roy thought, but when he looked up, he saw a pair of glasses gleam in the sunlight. Underneath, a pair of soft yellow eyes gleamed. _'Maes!'_

As Hughes helped Roy up, he caught a glace at Ed. Al was already all over him, seemingly trying to keep him in one spot forever with his viper-grip hug. The older Elric struggled against him, but relief was written all over his dirt-covered face.

Once Roy was fulling up, Maes flashed him as grin while his flicked over his body, checking for injury. "What are you doing here, Maes?" Roy asked.

"Well," The bespeckled man started, "I came down here to surprise you guys, but you're the one who surprised me! All I saw was you leaping over the edge of the river!" Maes huffed good naturedly and turned to Ed, "Don't you know better than to swim alone? To swim at all?"

Said blonde turned on Hughes with a glare, "Like I meant to almost drown myself!" He rasped, not getting the itimidating effect he wanted.

Roy looked over at Ed, "You did drown," he said, "You weren't even breathing when I hauled your ass out of the water."

Ed looked shocked, before a look of understanding fell onto his face, quickly followed by disgust, "You mean you-!" Ed cut himself off with a strangled cry and started rubbing furiously at his mouth.

Roy laughed out right at his childish behavior, "Hey! It wasn't exactly pleasent for me ethier!"

Al sneaked a glance at his brother, who was still freaking out, and laughed as well. Maes was barely holding in chuckles of his own. Clearing his throat, he stood up, reaching a hand out to Roy, "Welp," he said, "We better get you two back and get you warm before you both catch a cold." Roy took the mans hand and stood up as well, casting a glace at the Elrics. Ed tried his best to stand up on his own, but Al ended up steadying him. As they made way up the hill, Roy looked back at the river and narrowed his eyes at it.

_'Screw you, river...Screw you...'_

But he still smiled and carried on.

* * *

**Hawky: YAY! And that's the end!**

**Ed: WHAT? You mean you're going to stop hurting me? YAAAAY!**

**Hawky: No, you idiot. That's the end of The River.**

**Ed:... awww... D:**

**Hawky: Yep! Well! Tell me what you think, guys! I think the endinh could have been better, but... yeah... I was out of ideas... and YAY FOR MAES! YAAAAAY! :D He is absoulutly one of my favorite characters. I don't have the heart to kill him. Call me soft, but he's so cute and funny! :D MAAAAAAAEEEES!**

**Have a good one! Please review!**

**~Hawky**


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